Tuesday, July 31, 2007

light in a dark age.

the ominous storm clouds have gathered and the gales are howling incessantly, cold and blistering. it's cruel. it's difficult. i looked ahead. there were 3 paths going in different directions. i turned back, only to find the ground behind me crumbling and falling to an abyss, to nothingness. my clothes were tattered and torn. i was tired and burdened. i might as well sit down and just give up.

it's time to be cryptic... for the dark age has arrived.

i am about to come face to face with a scenario that i am very much familiar with. it was a double whammy... quite a nightmare really. it took me months to get back on my feet, but when i did, i responded and fought with guts and wits and i emerged tops. had the time of my life.. this time is different though. a triple-whammy plus a whole lot of obstacles. and i don't have months. only weeks. maybe just days. i feel weak, very.

but today, as i was through my mundane routines... something happened. maybe i was just tired.. and my mind just switched off.. but on my way back home, on a overcrowded train - a least ideal space, a peace overcame me & i became totally absorbed within its protective shield. it was very satisfying rest. i closed my eyes and i prayed. distractions and temptations were abound, but still, that peace persisted. i was encouraged and relieved.

i once spoke of a tiny warm glow emanating from a candle, burning slowly, subtly, but surely. it was a light and a warmth to last. not light like a passionate burst of fireworks or a sizzling fiery display of sparkles. the candle, i imagined, was a suitable illustration of what my faith was to be like. and today i found that candle, which gave me a brief respite and renewed strength to carry on. what beauty and joy...

plunged into darkness

however, it didnt take long before it took a dramatic twist. you see... the last time i was facing such a scenario, i was still young. my mind was weary but my body was still brimming with youth. now, i've aged. i feel it. i didnt realise how my mental health could so adversely affect my body. today was a timely reminder.

i was so tired that i fell into deep sleep straight after dinner. but i was awaken about an hour and a little more by my family. i climbed a flight of stairs, went to the bathroom. and then, it just happened. my head became very heavy as i felt my vision blurring. then it became light as i felt as though blood just drained away from my head. i was still conscious but before i knew it..i was already down on the bathroom floor in a half sitting-lying position.. staring at the ground, trying to make sense. i collapsed. i was plunged into darkness next. it only lasted a very brief moment before i regained my vision, still blurred. i was too tired to call anybody, so i laid there till i was ready to stand up... then came bouts of cold sweat, surfacing on my, now pale, skin. fortunately, my mum was already there by my side by now. i retired to bed, exhausted. breathing quite deliberately because of a discomfort in my chest and i slowly recovered.

it's not a scare anymore.. it happened the last time too.

what matters is...

how will i respond this time round?
not looking gd right now.

djibril ignacio @ 01:04

Monday, July 30, 2007

father.

i knew he would be peering through the gate grills intently, watching forlornly as the distance between us grew. and then he disappeared from my sight, as i disappeared from his. and i would always begin to wonder if he was still staring, into space, hoping for my figure to re-emerge or imagining my figure still being there, looking back at him. or maybe he always saw something else, my guardian angel lurking behind, giving him a last glance of comfort that would allow him to let go.

sometimes i popped my head back & he was still there, in that same fixated stare, as though he was frozen in that moment. i said my 'goodbye' as best i could with the look in my eyes, and hoped that my guardian angel did better. thereafter, i stepped out of the realm, where the moment seemed to continue forever. and again, i wonder if he knew that we'll see each other again.

he is, like all creatures big and small, God's gift to these lands and its people. a beagle. man's best friend. by a twist of fate he ended up in my arms some years ago, as a young pup, confused but safe, in my arms. i remembered being very ambivalent about him coming home with us. it all happened too quickly. like fools rushing into a relationship on impulse & calling it 'love at first sight'. and so it was, for my mum and bro. i recall.. standing by the whole episode, being detached and stupefied. my mum & bro took it all in their stride, whereas this episode of 'puppy love' certainly swept me off my feet. i was cynical & worried. i imagined the near future when this puppy would be leaving our home & it felt daunting. what were we getting into...

strangely, i stood up to the task of carrying him home & that moment defined what was to be, his early growing months. unknowingly i accepted the responsibility & hence i subsequently fathered the little creature. i cared and nursed. but the authority, the jurisdiction, the rules and the directives came from the 'matriarch'. and thus, within these boundaries, i fathered him as best as i could.

somehow it made sense that i was the father. he was after all, introduced to his new home from the caress of my arms. and those first moments of contact are still deeply etched in my mind. his head beneath my chin.. he must have felt my breath on his fur. he was nervous and still but once in awhile he stole a glance at me. and he'll look away in pretence when i looked back at him. the first few days, i slept beside him. he wouldnt allow me to leave him alone. sometimes he walked around in the night, exploring his new home and i had to coax him back to his pen, which was beside me. he sat in his pen, looked at me & made sure i slept before his turn to do so. i tested him by opening my eyes again and immediately he sprung back up in his sitting position.

his antics..
sometimes he comes to my side, lies on his tummy and rests his chin on my feet.. he was always affectionate and somewhat, emotional. when he was happy and mischeivous, you could see it in his eyes, his grin and his white-ended tail, wagging from side to side, like a magic wand with a bright tip. when he was sad, you could see it in his eyes, watery and red, his dejected frown, his breath, slow and still, like sighs...

these... connections, i will always remember. i wonder if he does... the father that brought him home in his arms and also the father who brought him elsewhere and left him there, in his very same arms. sometimes i wonder if i romanticise these. i make them so human, so emotional..
i can never be sure...

but today, when he saw me, and like old days, he refused to let me go before i acknowledged him. and when i did.. he affectionately licked my face, raised his paws, grasping at my hands, holding me and he kept doing so, tightly. he hugged, he whimpered, he grinned, he wagged, he nudged..

and it is during days like this when i know that it is just true.

djibril ignacio @ 01:52

Thursday, July 05, 2007

back to the classroom

after a good whole month of holidays for the kids, it was back to the classroom again... albeit to a very different one and on a lazy saturday afternoon - clearly not a good time to be having classes. but these saturday afternoon lessons aren't your typical, boring, sit-in-your-chair-and-stone kinda classes you have in school. nor is the teacher your typical mr, mrs or miss something that reads texts from dreadful textbooks. in here, they call their teacher by his name,

gabriel

less a teacher, more a friend, much more a brother.

i ain't there to help kids score better for their exams. i ain't there to preach or 'teach' them what is good or what is bad. in my class, even kids get to make their own decisions. i share with them my beliefs. i introduce to them a very good friend, someone i've come to know. And i invite them to get to know Him, in their own ways. i become, a link, a messenger, which is what the Archangel Gabriel is. every saturday, that's what i do - i allow kids to turn to me, to learn about God. i become open to God and the little ones.

for skeptics out there.. nah, i don't socialise or brainwash them or acclimatize their minds to accept certain things. i mean if i were to be able to do that, i would do that to all the bad people and turn them good. but these children are already good, they aren't bad in that sense, so no need for such antics.

it's great to be 'teaching' in such a way - nothing academic about it. every lesson, i sit on the same little chairs that they sit on, a symbolism and a reminder to bring myself down to their level and converse with them, not 'teach'. teaching kids can be a challenge. i always thought i could make a good teacher because of my ability to express what i have in my mind (knowledge, emotions and such). and to be articulate with what's in my mind, my 'teaching subjects' can understand me well. however, teaching kids require more than that. you have to be articulate yet simple. it almost doesn't go together. furthermore, you gotta do it all using simple words, which sometimes, may be inadequate to convey certain ideas. that's where the fun begins, because nothing academic that i've learnt or they've learnt in school will necessarily help, so we throw all that out of the classroom.

maybe academic stuff doesn't help in my class, but my class, i believe, helps them in their school work (in the long run). due to the nature of what we talk about in class, sometimes, there can be no right answers because people may choose to explain the same concept with different ideas or scenarios and that invites debate, activity and creative thinking. even if i have a kid sitting in every lesson not saying a word, i'm sure it helps because any o how, he needs to ponder and think about what's being talked about to understand it. it's not as straightforward as 1+1=2, thus, it develops an ability to comprehend and some, i tell ya, have given remarkable answers for their young age of 8 or 9.

i have a great team working with me - my mum and my aunt. they are my 'police officers'. they help me keep the rowdy ones focused and in hand. and they do it well, considering the much practice i've rendered them through my growing years. my aunt is excellent with administrative matters, preparing notes, worksheets and pampering the kids with candies. my mum always gives me valuable feedback after the lesson. she understands the kids and their behaviour. "he's like that because he lacks love, " said my mum about a kid we've had problems every week and it never occurred to me. her wealth of experience helps me to understand the kids better and helps me to deal with them better. i've a very important team, each playing an indispensable role. by His grace, we have fared well. *whispers* it's our first class.

the little ones are a bunch of kids i truly adore. enrico & james are like my sidekicks. we funk, we groove, we have fun. jonathan lim reminds me most of myself, quiet, unassuming and often misunderstood as one who was just uninterested about the class. but i know better than to pass that conclusion about him. once in a while i see him smile or laugh secretly at my jokes, in his corner, watchin and listening attentively to the lesson and being satisfied with that, even with zero attention. but he's got mine. i promise that. hannah is so cute! she once wore a cheong-sam-for-kids to class.. hahaha and it caused an uproar. even the boys in class, who by the way, still 'hate' girls (y'know that phase...), thought she looked nice that day. and we all teased her and asked her if it was chinese new year. she smiles back with a two-front-teethless smile. wat a joy... caitlyn is a beautiful & talented young lady, does ballet, plays the piano i think and swims. what can she not do? veronica is so intelligent. she provides very positive input in class. she's ahead of her age i tell ya. jonathan leong is unforgettable. during the 1st lesson, we invited him to introduce himself, and he started screaming.. "NO! NO! I'M a very SENSITIVE PERSON!". he's active and speaks loudly in class. danur is worrying sometimes. he doesn't really listen in class and he doesn't know lots of things. the funniest incident was when the whole class laughed at a joke i cracked and he asked, "teacher, teacher, why are they laughing but i'm not??" hahaha... because you're not listening? Sean... haha, as naughty as i was. he needs prayers.

i can go on and on...

you just look at them, beautiful gifts to their parents and to the world, and you feel hope, life & joy...

djibril ignacio @ 23:18

Friday, June 22, 2007

being still in an academic environment, it was kinda uncommon and sometimes unusual, depending on circumstances. there were some who were blatantly, indiscriminately and diligently taking down everyone's numbers. one word, hardcore.

and another, networking.

this issue came up when i met some friends to catch up after a whole good year and a little more. they had almost become friends of yesteryear but fortunately i have been quickly grabbing every opportunity to swipe all of them back into my embrace because i believe every friend is for life to keep. apparently, mine is a very different attitude towards friendship from the kind you will find in school these days, especially where i come from.

i wouldn't say networking is wrong. and maybe i'm just reeling from the shock at the unfeeling and indiscriminate collection of numbers that i've witnessed. nowadays, quantity counts, not quality, as reported in the papers about a week ago about online websites like friendster, facebook & such. similarly, i saw people networking in the same manner. what's the point?

i have been lucky to have found a few true friends in school and also very fortunately, there is a detectable difference between those who are purely networking and those who are sincere about forging a friendship. but yet i try my best to refrain from making such a distinction. after all, we were, at least once, in need of something and coincidentally, someone you didn't know or someone who was a mere acquaintance happened to be or have the answer to your particular need. what would you do then? most of us would ask that someone out for a meal, and 'blatantly' deliver our request, right?

it is 'blatant'. it is detectable. but how else do you do it?

whether the person is just lunching with you for his own benefit or just for the sake of networking, it is hard to call. but you know what, my stance is to distance myself from the judgements that flow through my discerning mind and let my heart speak. after all, it is not impossible for a friendship to blossom from a harmless lunch. yup, there is no free lunch, you've got a favour to grant but you never know, you may just have another friend in return. is it worth a chance? yea, why not.

djibril ignacio @ 17:55